


Assassin's Filk

by LadyLustful



Category: Assassin's Creed - All Media Types
Genre: AC3 retold as a song, Alcohol, Author loves to chat in the Comments, Banned from Argo, Ensemble Cast, Everything is Permitted, F/F, F/M, Filk, Gambling, Gen, Hacking, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Inappropriate Behavior, Iron Maiden - Running Free, JAYSUS, M/M, Minor Violence, Multi, Parody, Public Sex, Recreational Drug Use, Song Lyrics, except with assassins, it's Banned from Argo for a reason, what isn't in this thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2019-01-30 20:27:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12660816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyLustful/pseuds/LadyLustful
Summary: It is a fact commonly known that if a fandom has no version of "Banned from Argo", one will be written (because Argo has more bastard children than both Ezio and Edward). Therefore, yours truly presents the AC version of "Banned", as well as:An almost serious retelling of Connor's story to "Running Free" by Iron MaidenAs shipper's song for Shay/Haytham/Ziio crackshipAnother bastard child of Argo, with Templar boyband getting drunk iin Boston





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Assassin_J](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Assassin_J/gifts), [salanaland](https://archiveofourown.org/users/salanaland/gifts).



> The songs parodied, when mentioned, belong to their respective owners, as does the universe (of Assassin's Creed).  
> The dubious honour of having written piss-poor (or not; I dearly hope not!*) parody lyrics is all mine  
> *but probably shouldn't delude myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fill to this: https://asscreedkinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/2158.html?thread=12611950#cmt12611950
> 
> Original Banned From Argo by Leslie Fish:  
> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=a7mK79i0tF8
> 
> I'm so sorry, Leslie (she hates this song, sort of)

_**Back to Novice** _

to the tune of "Banned from Argo"

 

As we went out in search of some hard-earned R&R,

we headed for the Stormy Skies or  any other decent bar,

we had low expectations, and no weird or unusual need,

but they still weren't ready for the Assassins of the Creed.

 

Ezio's tastes were simple, but his methods were complex,

guards found him with three prostitutes and two thieves of either sex,

and when they tried to lock him up (or at least extort some coin)

he took one look at the two men and invited them to join.

 

_And we're back to Novice, everyone,_

_back to Novice, just for having a bit of  fun,_

_we had a jolly evening, that got a little out of hand,_

_but the Mentor doesn't understand._

 

Niccolò Machiavelli has won La Volpe's bet

and stolen Leo's sketches of a self-propelling net,

now everytime someone approaches the Headquarters in Rome

a net drops down, engulfs them, and does not want to let go.

_And we're back to Novice..._

 

Maria Thorpe is of the Rite and Altaïr is of the Creed

they tried to figure out a truce, she brought wine and he brought weed,

she came back with ripped clothing and a couple bruises more

and a hearty resolution to make love instead of war.

_And we're back to Novice..._

 

Desmond is a simple man, and not much given to hijinks,

he got into the liquor stash and mixed increasingly weird drinks,

he had a few of them himself and somehow he lost track

of what was hallucinogen and what aphrodisiac.

_And we're back to Novice..._

 

Shaun Hastings is respectable, responsible and staid,

Lucy bet Rebecca a pair of shoes to get him laid,

He came to flirt with Desmond, and he knew just what to do,

to end up with the barman and both of the ladies too.

_And we're back to Novice..._

 

Edward Kenway is a pirate, and he likes a pirate's fun,

he found some dodgy seaside tavern and got fall-down drunk on rum,

he came home with fond memories of a lass dressed as a boy

and a painful way of walking from her trusty strap-on toy.

_And we're back to Novice..._

 

Haytham is a crafty fox, so cunning and so wise,

he fleeced Starrick and de Sablé at checkers, cards and dice,

Kaniehtí:io didn't play, but she watched him with a smile,

and then she dragged him upstairs after a little while.

_And we're back to Novice..._

 

Aveline and Connor had a grand time running free,

they made out on six different roofs, three haystacks and a tree,

a guard patrol took issue, so they knocked out almost all,

and then they were seen making love on the roof of city hall.

_And we're back to Novice..._

 

Clay he had a busy night; he won a high-stakes bet

and hacked and set a virus loose into Abstergo's intranet,

now every time someone is stuck in the animus loading screen,

they hear of Vidic's parentage described in terms obscene.

_And we're back to Novice..._

 

Shay Cormac is a quiet man, and a Templar tried and true,

he went out with the Morrigan's crew and had a drink or maybe two,

he woke up with a splitting head and swore upon his life

he did not know how he ended up with master Kenway and his wife.

_And we're back to Novice..._

 

The Frye twins are inseparable though different as the day and night,

he had a couple pints too much and then went on to start a fight,

she sighed at his stupidity and then joined in to save his ass

although the Blighters won't admit that they go beat up by a lass.

_And we're back to Novice..._

 

Young Dorian loves miss De la Serre, Élise she loves him too,

they went for a romantic walk and looked for something fun to do,

by the time we sobered up, the two lovers were long gone,

along with Ezio's apple and Leo's prototype _avion._

_And we're back to Novice..._

 

Cross and Berg turned up sometime, and nobody seemed to care,

they stomped their way up to the bar and announced that they were there,

we didn't feel like fighting them, so we offered them a drink,

the both of them dropped down dead drunk faster than you would think.

                                (spoken: And then we dropped them in the drink!)

_And we're back to Novice..._

 

 

 


	2. Running Free (AC3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of all the songs to which Assassin's Creed filk could be written, I am surprised nobody tried "Running Free" by Iron Maiden.  
> So, here's an Assassin's Creed version.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to hereby offer my humble yet hearty apologies to Iron Maiden, and hope that, should any of them find it, they find it at least somewhat amusing rather than annoying, as do you, my dear readers.  
> The tune is of course "Running Free", and of course belongs to Iron Maiden, and if you don't know it... seriously? How do you do it? I live under a **** rock and I know "Running Free".

**Killing Lee**

(Assassin's Creed 3 parody of Running Free)

Just sixteen, a battle-axe,

out for blood and out of f***s,

got no home, not anymore,

watch out Templars, here I go!

 

I'm running free*, yeah,

I'm running free.

I'm running free, yeah,

I'm running free.

 

I got locked up in Bridewell jail,

old Charlie tried to give me hell,

a knife from Haytham saving me,

and once again, I'm running free.

 

I'm running free, yeah,

I'm running free.

I'm running free, yeah,

I'm running free.

 

Get out of my way!

 

I'm running free, yeah,

I'm running free.

I'm running free, yeah,

I'm running free.

 

Fought Templar traitors with my dad,

Then I fought him, and he got stabbed,

two armies aren't stopping me,

you're dead unless you give me Lee.

 

I'm killing Lee, yeah, I'm killing Lee,

I'm killing Lee, yeah, I'm killing Lee.

I'm killing Lee, yeah, I'm killing Lee,

I'm killing Lee, yeah, I'm killing Lee.

 

*running free is what the AC games call the parkouring around


	3. I love Shay Hay Ziio

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every ficcer and filker has some ships made impossible by canon. Shay Cormac/Haytham Kenway/Ziio is one of many mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With apologies to Joan Jett.

I love Shay Hay Ziio

("I Love Rock'n'Roll" parody)

I saw them first in Assassin's Creed 3,  
Haytham and Ziio are just meant to be,  
Then I played Rogue,   
I heard Shay's sexy brogue,   
And I think canon's wrong  
Cause Hay should be with both, yeah both, cause,  
  
I love Shay Hay Ziio  
Two pretty Templars and a badass lady  
I love Shay Hay Ziio  
With sexy times and a happy ending

  
He loves her, though he can't pronounce her name,  
She doesn't trust him but she likes him all the same  
And it's a fact well known,  
they want to be alone,   
so they can get it on  
And I ship them with Shay, yeah, Shay  
They should just get it on,   
with Shay, yeah, Shay

Cause

I love Shay Hay Ziio  
Two pretty Templars and a badass lady  
I love Shay Hay Ziio  
With sexy times and a happy ending  
  
Shay is all alone,   
Has no hope of his own,   
Hayziio should take him home,  
And they bang all three, yeah, three,  
Hayziio should take him home,  
And they bang all three, yeah, three,

Cause

I love Shay Hay Ziio  
Two pretty Templars and a badass lady  
I love Shay Hay Ziio  
With sexy times and a happy ending

I love Shay Hay Ziio  
Grandmaster, Hunter, and the Warrior Lady,   
I love Shay Hay Ziio,  
A happy family with Connor, maybe,  
  
I love Shay Hay Ziio...

 


	4. Lost in Boston

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another Bastard Child of Argo. Father of Understanding, how the thing breeds! Accursed earworm!  
> (Shhhh... Just pretend it doesn't scan to Argo, and sing it to Boston Burglar or whatever else works. Or get drunk enough that your sense of decency is dissolved and it won't matter)

 

 

The Assassins were defeated, it was time for R&R,

we entered the Green Dragon Inn and headed straight towards the bar,

we hoped for a night of drinking, some gambling and some song,

and we're not sure when it went wrong.

 

_And we're lost in Boston, everyone,_

_lost in Boston and we don't know what we've done,_

_we had a drink with Hickey, and we had a drink with Shay,_

_and then we woke up in the hay._

 

Haytham is a serious man, his private's life not known,

Tom thought that he would cheer right up in a house of ill renown,

what happened later no-one knows and the man himself won't confess

although eyewitnesses admit that he looks fetching in a dress.

 

Shay Cormac would yield to none at putting down the brew,

he outdrank Charlie's army pals, and most of the Morrigan's crew,

Thomas Hickey didn't win, but he outdrank almost all,

and then woke up without his funds on the roof of city hall.

 

Charlie is an angry man, his temper's truly vile,

we poured him shots of whiskey and hoped it'd make him smile,

he disappeared round midnight and he wasn't henceforth seen,

but we hear Master Kenway received an offer most obscene.

 

Johnson is the boring one, his research is his kink,

it seems that it gets twice as bad with every single bloody drink,

we ditched him fairly early on, that fact we can't refute,

and left him lecturing to Tom's lady friends of ill repute.

 

Gist knows all about the sea, been sailing since his youth,

he knows to spin a riveting tale although they sometimes stray from truth,

and when he drinks they get more lewd and more obviously untrue,

like the one he told of master Lee and the lady dressed in blue.

 

We Templar are good honest men, our reputation's prime,

we try to uphold peace and order, though we fail from time to time,

so sorry 'bout the racket and the riots and the mess,

but tell me how the bloody hell do I get out of this dress.


	5. The Ballad of Shay Cormac

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This song was written as some sort of bastard cross between the shanty, the drinking song, and the epic ballad.  
> The stanzas scan (and can be sung to) to the stanzas of "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner" by Warren Zevron.  
> The chorus scans to the bridge of "Raise Your Horns" by Amon Amarth.  
> This song appears in a fic which soon will be published, and Shay doesn't actually die. They just Shay he did.

**The Ballad of Shay Cormac**  
  
Shay Cormac was a captain,  
upon a sloop-of-war,  
aptly named the Morrigan  
like the goddess of old lore.  
He sailed the North Atlantic,  
the icy northern seas,  
he fought for king and country  
and brought the French to their knees.  
  
So drink my friends, raise your glasses to Shay,  
a fellow so fine I must say,  
a fellow so brave, so noble and gay,  
who will never drink with us again.  
  
Of all the many warships  
on the seas from east to west,  
the Morrigan was the swiftest  
and her captain was the best,  
they won so many battles,  
and sailors spoke with dread,  
of the Morrigan and her captain  
and her sails of bloody red.  
  
So drink my friends, raise your glasses to Shay,  
a fellow so fine I must say,  
a fellow so brave, so noble and gay,  
who will never drink with us again.

One spring southwest of Greenland,  
on a bright but windy day,  
Three French ships stumbled on  
and tried to corner Shay  
He opened fire upon them,  
as their own cannons roared,  
till a cannonball took off his head  
and blew him overboard.  
  
So drink my friends, raise your glasses to Shay,  
a fellow so fine I must say,  
a fellow so brave, so noble and gay,  
who will never drink with us again.

So here we now rememer  
our dear friend who is gone,  
God guides his soul to heaven  
but his spirit still lives on.  
So drink to friends that are present,  
and those that are far away,  
and drink to those that won't return  
and raise your glass to Shay.  
  
So drink my friends, raise your glasses to Shay,  
a fellow so fine I must say,  
a fellow so brave, so noble and gay,  
who will never drink with us again.


End file.
